Analytics: Breaking Down Gender Role "Reversals"

I can’t help but think of my mother (or any other mom I’ve ever known) who never seemed worn from the challenges of keeping a house and raising children. I do remember plenty of performances by my parents that began with the following address to my father (who would be reclined in a chair watching football): “I need some help around here!!!”…but I can also remember thinking …”help with what!?”

Past performances dictates that when a man is the bread-winner of the family, he typically: mows the lawn, shovels the snow, changes light-bulbs, walks the dog, pays the bills, gasses up and fixes the cars, deals with vendors and contractors , etc…  But it now my understanding that when a hard-working woman is the bread-winner of the family, most of these household responsibilities are not assumed…rather they remain the “man’s work”.

Whether this is a result of pre-established gender identity or (as in my wife’s case) simply not having enough time due to an insane work schedule, I still find it pretty interesting.

I can therefore predict that, just because I’m filling, what is traditionally, a woman’s role in child rearing….my wife is not going to suddenly start taking out the trash or turning the lights out downstairs when it’s time to go to bed.

If she gets home early enough and is not feeling like she’s “cutting in” on my routine (I’m often guilty of taking on too much myself and not yielding or asking for help) my wife enjoys making dinner occasionally. Most often, and understandably, my wife prefers to spend some time with our two year old when she walks through the door and If I was working 80 hrs. / day and was able to come home early one day...I’d prefer to have more than just story-time before bed as quality time with my daughter. 

My wife also empties the dishwasher from time to time (although it is, admittedly, her least favorite thing to do on Earth) so now I’m trying to be more conscious about saying “Thank You” for that. Not only because I do appreciate it, but also because I’d like a few more “Thank You’s” myself.  After all... panti-pretzles don’t pick themselves up off the floor you know.

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A few things my wife and I recently discussed as really being the best gifts/things we ever received/purchased for our Catherine (outside of her car seat and miniature kitchen which both count as necessities in my book).

• The Learning Tower-http://www.sensationalbeginnings.com/Item--i-F-3-699X      I thought this thing was just a super safe step-stool at first but it has quickly become a real learning tool and way for me to include my daughter in everything that goes down in the kitchen. The tower enables me to happily oblige her when she says “I want to help!” I include her in everything from meal preparation (she mostly just mixes ingredients I’m not really using and pours liquids from one container to another) to “washing” plastic containers and metal bowls we refer to as “dishes”.

• Swing Chair- http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=2384&e=product&pid=45667      Would never have been able to take a shower without one.

• Dog (Newfoundland)- http://www.ncanewfs.org/      Our Dog Lulu is Catherine's absolute best friend in the world (next to our neighbor’s daughter Sophie)…also read somewhere that pet dander helps children develop a healthy immunity and resistance to allergies...not to mention the fact that our dog is much more efficient under the kitchen table than a Roomba.

• Badger Basket Stackable Toy Bins- http://www.target.com/p/badger-basket-three-bin-storage-cubby-white/-/A-13849987#prodSlot=large_3_25      A place for everything….and now she is responsible to sort all her toys and put them back in their appropriate place. Really a gift for everyone.

• iPad- http://www.apple.com/ipad/       From Face Time with grandparents to math and language games…this also keeps her entertained in the car, on the potty, at a restaurant…and we, surprisingly, have not had any difficulty limiting her exposure to TV/iPad time to under 2 hrs./day.

• Bouncy Balls- http://www.alibaba.com/productgs/528105899/Plastic_Balls_for_Playgrounds.html  You know those 8.5” bounce balls you see stored in wire cages at the supermarket and Toys R Us? Well, I could remember being a kid and always thinking it would be cool to have a whole room full of them (perhaps a result of watching Richard Pryor in “The Toy” more times than I could count). I was grocery shopping one day and randomly decided to buy a whole shopping cart full of them. When I realized that the balls were on sale for 79 cents and that the whole cart only cost about $8, I decided to fill another cart and bring home 20 of those balls…which looks like a lot more when they’re all over the foyer. We had so much fun bouncing, kicking and tossing those balls all over the place the night I brought them home! We ended up putting them in Catherine’s playroom along with about 60 helium balloons for her birthday party… which was immediately dubbed “Balloons Room”.

• Seaside Sidekicks’ Sand Cupcakes Set- http://www.melissaanddoug.com/seaside-sidekicks-sand-cupcake-set     Colored Plastic Cupcake Sand Molds that we first saw these at the Westin in Grand Cayman. Catherine showed  interest in playing with another child (for the first time) who was playing with these plastic cupcakes at the pool one day so we picked up our own set at the gift shop the following day. They not only serve as our go-to beach or pool toy, but also as the perfect icebreaker at playgrounds with sandboxes. 

• Simply Hero Boys Superhero Cape and Mask Set-         http://www.sears.com/search=simply+hero+boys+superhero+cape+mask+red+super+hero+cape+costume+toddlercatalogId=12605&autoRedirect=false&storeId=10153&yikes_prod=true                                                                                                                                                      The best five bucks we’ve ever spent! Picked it up as an impulse buy at Wal-Mart and turned into Catherine’s costume our (almost) daily game Catherine invented called: “Super Bunny Saves The Day!” …and a more productive game that Daddy invented called: “Rescue the mail from the mailbox!”.

Game Changer: Transitioning From Working Dad to Stay-Home Dad

When my wife and I became parents we suddenly found decision-making much more simplified. It all came down to what’s best for our baby. I was a workaholic when it occurred to my wife and me that we could afford to do better than a Nanny for our daughter who, at two years old, required much more than love, attention and regular feedings. Our Nanny was wonderful! And for two years, she faithfully and reliably provided everything our daughter needed in our absence.  We soon realized that the mental development of a child was not only astonishing in itself, but also accelerating at rate we never anticipated…far more rapid than the now seemingly slower development of balance and dexterity which we prayed then cheered for. The necessity to incorporate more cognitive exercises into play and “feed” this little learning machine became increasingly important to us and increasingly beyond the ability of her hired care provider. School was not yet an option because we had adopted the “natural course” method of potty training and thus were still changing diapers on outgrown changing tables.  It was clear that since we could comfortably sustain ourselves on just one salary, the ideal scenario would be for one of us to stay home until she was both of school-age and potty trained. The promise of dinners, weekends and holidays together was a no-brainer. The question as to who would stay home with her was answered as quickly as it was conceived. It was a matter of simple economics really... my wife is a surgeon while I was a restaurant consultant and commercial real estate broker in a down market.

There's a scene in the film Cast Away in which Tom Hanks’ character, Chuck, finally builds a raft capable of taking him past the breaking surf that has held him captive on a deserted island for years.  Once Chuck realizes that he has overcome the surf and is in the open water, he rows himself away from his former prison and begins to weep while watching it get smaller and smaller on the horizon.

With over twenty years of experience in the restaurant industry and a successful consulting business taking off, being a stay-at-home dad would be an escape from: long hours, constant drama, exhausting redundancy and hidden stress for what I knew would be a better life. But, like Chuck, I understood how painful it is to leave everything you know (good or bad) and everything you have become behind. 

“DBA: Daddy” represents the paradox and resulting identity crisis with which I am struggling. It reflects my belief that being a stay-at-home-dad demands the honing of every skill-set I previously utilized in my professional pursuits. “DBA: Daddy” is now a way of sharing my transition from “working dad” to “stay-at-home dad” with anyone else who thinks that they too are probably the only guy at Gymboree mentally calculating the franchisee’s Bottom Line based on average class size, hours of operation, number of employees and market rent per square foot.