My wife and I went to the craft store yesterday and bought a shopping cart so full of stuff (colored cotton balls and pipe cleaners to popsicle sticks and finger paints) the cashier thought we were teachers and gave us a discount. Catherine now has her own supply closet in her playroom located in our basement...which we prefer to call: “The Way-Downstairs” (as an homage to “the way back” of the classic Country Squire Station Wagons that very few families were lucky enough to own in the 70’s).
surgeon
Analytics: Breaking Down Gender Role "Reversals"
I can’t help but think of my mother (or any other mom I’ve ever known) who never seemed worn from the challenges of keeping a house and raising children. I do remember plenty of performances by my parents that began with the following address to my father (who would be reclined in a chair watching football): “I need some help around here!!!”…but I can also remember thinking …”help with what!?”
Past performances dictates that when a man is the bread-winner of the family, he typically: mows the lawn, shovels the snow, changes light-bulbs, walks the dog, pays the bills, gasses up and fixes the cars, deals with vendors and contractors , etc… But it now my understanding that when a hard-working woman is the bread-winner of the family, most of these household responsibilities are not assumed…rather they remain the “man’s work”.
Whether this is a result of pre-established gender identity or (as in my wife’s case) simply not having enough time due to an insane work schedule, I still find it pretty interesting.
I can therefore predict that, just because I’m filling, what is traditionally, a woman’s role in child rearing….my wife is not going to suddenly start taking out the trash or turning the lights out downstairs when it’s time to go to bed.
If she gets home early enough and is not feeling like she’s “cutting in” on my routine (I’m often guilty of taking on too much myself and not yielding or asking for help) my wife enjoys making dinner occasionally. Most often, and understandably, my wife prefers to spend some time with our two year old when she walks through the door and If I was working 80 hrs. / day and was able to come home early one day...I’d prefer to have more than just story-time before bed as quality time with my daughter.
My wife also empties the dishwasher from time to time (although it is, admittedly, her least favorite thing to do on Earth) so now I’m trying to be more conscious about saying “Thank You” for that. Not only because I do appreciate it, but also because I’d like a few more “Thank You’s” myself. After all... panti-pretzles don’t pick themselves up off the floor you know.
Collateral Damage: Mom Misses Out on A lot
Having a wife with an incredibly demanding career means she misses out on experiencing many small magical moments and some significant milestones in our daughter's childhood. Witnessing most of her growing up is priceless! It makes my job of being a full-time parent so rewarding. But one of the strange and challenging aspects of this transition has been dealing with my wife's frustration with feeling excluded.
It's difficult to know she's missing out on things…and to feel, at times, very much alone myself. I wish she was able to share all of these memories with me. I can only imagine how frustrating and sad it must be for her too. Of course, it’s easy to forget how painful it must be for her when she gets annoyed at not knowing where the can opener is kept… or says things like "You’ve got it easy!" or "Sure, you know all the neighbors...they'd rather hang out with you than with me!" or "That is something that is very special and important to me and you totally excluded me!".
As a stay-at-home dad, I've learned to compensate for some of the inherent distance. Using my blackberry camera to take pictures of everything from cute outfits to bed-side table lamps enables her to shop, to some extent, by proxy. My wife loves the fact that, every morning, I send several shots of Catherine coming down the stairs so that she can see her outfit and how well (or poorly) daddy styled her hair. I think the videos I take of everything from cuddling with the dog to shopping at the supermarket makes her feel a little less disconnected. I seriously take pictures and videos of everything....so much so that I can fill the memory on a phone in less than a month if I don't regularly sync my media. It must look absolutely obnoxious to anyone watching.
But I realize that no amount of documenting our daughters life will ever be an adequate substitute for actually being there. On several occasions, my wife has directed the frustration of not being there at me....which has been the fundamental issue underlying a few serious relationship-shaking arguments. I loose my cool and raise my voice in these situations but eventually try to remind her, that it is her job that excludes her from regular participation in the family and not me. Using me as a target for things that frustrate both of us is a hazard to the longevity of our marriage….and probably is for any single income family. I love and admire my wife more than she will ever know. I recognize the importance of her bettering, and often saving, the lives of countless children everywhere… but it doesn't make sharing her with them any easier.
Game Changer: Transitioning From Working Dad to Stay-Home Dad
When my wife and I became parents we suddenly found decision-making much more simplified. It all came down to what’s best for our baby. I was a workaholic when it occurred to my wife and me that we could afford to do better than a Nanny for our daughter who, at two years old, required much more than love, attention and regular feedings. Our Nanny was wonderful! And for two years, she faithfully and reliably provided everything our daughter needed in our absence. We soon realized that the mental development of a child was not only astonishing in itself, but also accelerating at rate we never anticipated…far more rapid than the now seemingly slower development of balance and dexterity which we prayed then cheered for. The necessity to incorporate more cognitive exercises into play and “feed” this little learning machine became increasingly important to us and increasingly beyond the ability of her hired care provider. School was not yet an option because we had adopted the “natural course” method of potty training and thus were still changing diapers on outgrown changing tables. It was clear that since we could comfortably sustain ourselves on just one salary, the ideal scenario would be for one of us to stay home until she was both of school-age and potty trained. The promise of dinners, weekends and holidays together was a no-brainer. The question as to who would stay home with her was answered as quickly as it was conceived. It was a matter of simple economics really... my wife is a surgeon while I was a restaurant consultant and commercial real estate broker in a down market.
There's a scene in the film Cast Away in which Tom Hanks’ character, Chuck, finally builds a raft capable of taking him past the breaking surf that has held him captive on a deserted island for years. Once Chuck realizes that he has overcome the surf and is in the open water, he rows himself away from his former prison and begins to weep while watching it get smaller and smaller on the horizon.
With over twenty years of experience in the restaurant industry and a successful consulting business taking off, being a stay-at-home dad would be an escape from: long hours, constant drama, exhausting redundancy and hidden stress for what I knew would be a better life. But, like Chuck, I understood how painful it is to leave everything you know (good or bad) and everything you have become behind.
“DBA: Daddy” represents the paradox and resulting identity crisis with which I am struggling. It reflects my belief that being a stay-at-home-dad demands the honing of every skill-set I previously utilized in my professional pursuits. “DBA: Daddy” is now a way of sharing my transition from “working dad” to “stay-at-home dad” with anyone else who thinks that they too are probably the only guy at Gymboree mentally calculating the franchisee’s Bottom Line based on average class size, hours of operation, number of employees and market rent per square foot.