Motivation: Discovering The Best Environment

“Which environment is best for our daughter?”

&

“How can we raise our daughter to thrive and assimilate in any environment…competitive or not?” 

When I consider a competitive environment as potentially the best environment for our daughter, the age old question of Nature vs. Nurture springs to mind. I have decided that one's development is a driven by both…and thus it is imperative for my wife and I to not only fully develop what nature has given us but also (and simultaneously) offer the benefits of external "reinforcements" as well.

Putting our daughter in the "right environment" can involve anything from surrounding her with people who contribute positively to an environment of competition and defining particular norms, to surrounding her with the natural wonders of the world to observe independently... or both.  At some point in her future some of these (either "natural" or "nurtured") tenants may be lacking and she may need to rely more heavily on one than the other…like a crutch bearing the additional weight after one loses the use of one leg.

Social Psychology breaks “Motivation in Education” down into two main branches: Intrinsic (or self) Motivation and Extrinsic (or outside) Motivation.

Although I believe we are a collection of all our experiences and all of those that touch us (from a "hello" offered by a complete stranger to being married, for 50 years, to your best friend) I think the greatest impact on character is deeply ingrained during our more formative years by our parent(s) and/or guardian(s). 

I acknowledge that no development ever occurs in a vacum. However, I believe my values and ethics are more a result of my parents' nurturing than of external influences like my hometown or the schools I've attended. My mother and father exposed me to so much of the world, provided countless outlets to discover nature, passed down their own values (likely influenced by their parents) and promoted intrinsic motivation with love, attention, patience and perhaps, at times, a bit too much praise. 

"That what urges children toward civilized life is the love they bear to the persons who educate them, and, little by little, the possibility of tasting some of the comforts which are undoubtedly an aid to civilized life." - Maria Montessori

If External Influences and developed Extrinsic Motivators are variables due to their reliance on uncontrollable outside elements (and can thus prove elusive at times), then logic would dictate that an educational foundation based on the development of Intrinsic Motivation is more likely to better equip children to be competent learners and performers in the potential absence of Extrinsic Motivation… and thus thrive far beyond a basic competence if and when Extrinsic Motivation is in great supply. In short, I would rather my daughter’s level of success in achieving her goals rely more heavily on her self-gratification than on the reinforcement / praise by others.

Intrinsic Motivation:

"Intrinsic motivation refers to motivation that is driven by an interest or enjoyment in the task itself, and exists within the individual rather than relying on external pressures or a desire for reward. Intrinsic motivation has been studied since the early 1970s. Students who are intrinsically motivated are more likely to engage in the task willingly as well as work to improve their skills, which will increase their capabilities.

Extrinsic Motivation:

"Extrinsic motivation refers to the performance of an activity in order to attain an outcome, whether or not that activity is also intrinsically motivated. Extrinsic motivation comes from outside of the individual. Common extrinsic motivations are rewards (for example money or grades) for showing the desired behavior, and the threat of punishment following misbehavior. Competition is in an extrinsic motivator because it encourages the performer to win and to beat others, not simply to enjoy the intrinsic rewards of the activity. A cheering crowd and the desire to win a trophy are also extrinsic incentives.[7]"

Comparison of Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation:

"Social psychological research has indicated that extrinsic rewards can lead to over justification and a subsequent reduction in intrinsic motivation. In one study demonstrating this effect, children who expected to be (and were) rewarded with a ribbon and a gold star for drawing pictures spent less time playing with the drawing materials in subsequent observations than children who were assigned to an unexpected reward condition.[8] While the provision of extrinsic rewards might reduce the desirability of an activity, the use of extrinsic constraints, such as the threat of punishment, against performing an activity has actually been found to increase one's intrinsic interest in that activity. In one study, when children were given mild threats against playing with an attractive toy, it was found that the threat actually served to increase the child's interest in the toy, which was previously undesirable to the child in the absence of threat.[9]

For those children who received no extrinsic reward, self-determination theory proposes that extrinsic motivation can be internalized by the individual if the task fits with their values and beliefs and therefore helps to fulfill their basic psychological needs.”

We witnessed numerous signs that Intrinsic Motivation was being employed when we first visited our daughter's school (Baan Dek Montessori). Through the school's focus on: fostering independence, minimizing distractions, opening outlets to nature, challenging each student in a mixed-age environment and allowing students to make their own mistakes; we felt the students seemed to take more of a personal ownership in their learning and thus develop their own gratification of arriving at correct answers...at their own pace.

Po Bronson presented a unique perspective on motivation and competition onKQED’s Forumwhere he discussed his (and co-author Ashley Merryman’s) book Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing

“The performance-enhancing effects of competition and teams do not apply only at elite levels such as the Olympics or in physical match-ups. Competitions held in classrooms and lunch rooms across the country also push kids to do better. In finite games, you compete and then you let it go, and you have rest and recuperation – that’s actually really important for kids. It’s the continuous sense of pressure that is unhealthy for them.

Equally not advantageous is the act of always letting kids win

"It’s a common scene: a child and an adult race, and the adult holds back to allow the child the thrill of winning or perhaps, more realistically, to avoid tears. But losing is a lesson everyone should learn. If kids don’t learn to lose they’re going to feel entitled to win. They’re also going to make a connection that fear of losing is going to prevent them from taking the risk in the first place. And what kids do need to learn is losing is not that big a deal. They need to learn to lose and go ‘Oh, whatever,’ and move on and keep playing."

But if and when you do let them win, base that decision on their effort.

In conclusion, I believe the ferocity of competition and social norms within any environment, while significant, holds much less influence on a child's development than active and involved parents who recognize:

"...that human beings do not live by nourishment and oxygen alone, as we have carelessly thought, but they live by means of many other natural elements. Being in contact with the earth, the sun, and the vegetable life of plants is like drinking from the very springs of our life. And these principles, which we might call materialistic and physiological, are just now appearing on the pedagogical horizon."- Maria Montessori's March 27, 1913 adress "Nature in Education" as edited by AMI Journal Special, July 2013

There are pros and cons to raising and educating children in any environment and in any institution. The best environment for empowering any child (or more specifically, our daughter) is not the one that meets any measure of excellence or serves a reliance on external influences like competition to aid in the development of our daughter's "survival" skills. The best environment is any one where we, as parents, are: safe, healthy, happy and can best afford the most time, educational resources and personal attention to invest in the most wonderful journey of loving, learning and sharing that is parenthood. 

Growth Market: The Midwest is The Future

When Catherine was just over a year old, she turned a Dr. Seus book over and placed the frame of a United States foam puzzle over it and exclaimed: "Look Daddy! I made a city!"

I'm not saying that the evolution of America's middle-market is going to be that fast or that simple but the growth in South Dakota- and the Midwest in general, has been both exponential and inevitable.

When you have both coasts of the country growing on top of themselves, it’s only a matter of time before generations that are increasingly more mobile (as they were four and five generations ago in the old country) affect the fluid dynamics of economic overflow into the middle of the country. After all, you can't have sprawl into the ocean.

Another driving force behind this growth is what I like to call “The Delaware Factor” -which is the creation of a tax friendly environment for corporations and dynastic trusts. Corporations and families being able to thrive in soil like this results in more Fortune 500 companies relocating their corporate headquarters… which serves as a catalyst to attract other businesses... that holistically contribute: more jobs, more rooftops, more retail and finally more advanced medical and educational development (Take note Obama).

In the last three years, the population of Sioux Falls alone has gone from 75,000 people to almost 180,000. From 2010 to 2011, the departures and arrivals from the airport (which you pull into like a lifestyle center) doubled which prompted the construction of two additional terminals and an initiative to establish Sioux Falls as an international hub.  In the first quarter of 2012, the number of flights has already doubled the total amount of flights in 2011.

Two major hotel flags have recently been planted in the area in addition to to the already significant number of beds. One by Hilton and the other by Hamilton Suites. The construction of the Midwest’s largest sports and entertainment arena, scheduled to be completed in 2013, will bring with it zoning for an entirely new "Entertainment District" and one of the country's largest state-of-the-art Convention Center. The fact that the mayor’s office recently announced that they would be submitting an RFP for another large hotel across from the new Convention Center (contiguous to a championship golf course) has a lot of developers, as far as New York, peeking over their Chemex to get a better look at what’s going on here. But after speaking with quite a few of the old guard in this small city, one is left with the feeling that an RFP is more of an exercise in protocol than of a genuine offering. The deals seem to be locked up before they’re even made public and with a surge of Ag[riculture] money in the market from farmers who profited greatly over the last few years with the corn belts spreading. Farmers and local developers are buying up land and investing in commercial development almost as fast as those profiting from the oil boom in North Dakota. According to Gov. Ed Schafer and Paul Hegg of Hegg Companies, development of the Bakken oil patch is a 25 year play, and it’s not too late for businesses to participate in the economic boom here. This is looking more and more like a better short-term opportunity for developers and operators from the coasts than for the newly relocating fund managers, institutional investors or capital intermediaries. But there does seem to be a long-term play here. I left the East Coast with the luxury of never needing to waiver from my sense of integrity and commitment to fair-play. Those principles may not have brought me as much action as I would have liked, but definitely enabled me to grow with like-minded colleagues, learn from benevolent leaders, and forge a few lasting friendships built on trust and respect. Perhaps not the most popular of business practices employed by ambitious young professionals in America’s biggest cities… but certainly seems to be the way of life in a city of less than 200,000.

Sioux Falls feels like an instant culture-fit for my family and me.  If, over time, I’m fortunate enough to earn the trust and respect of my new neighbors, I am confident that the numerous opportunities here will bear fruit.

The mayor’s just announced that a total of $200MM has been spent in the last year on new road construction and repairs of existing roads. Although I am still trying to adapt to things such as driving 35mph on long stretches of road with four to five lanes that could benefit from a few extra signalized intersections; there is a tremendous amount of investment in infrastructure to support and sustain development of the 43rd fastest growing state in the country.

Is Sioux Falls the best kept secret in America? I'll have to pay close attention to my 3yr old daughter's musings and get back to you.

Micromanagement: Are We Hovering Too Much?

The October 2012 issue of Psychology Today ran a feature written by Elizabeth Svoboda : “Lessons for Living: Five Surprising Principles for Living, Loving and Playing with Others. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201208/lessons-living.

The most interesting and relevant to me as a dad who wants to ensure that my wife and I are exercising a healthy amount of concern and protection was “Lesson #2: The Beauty of Benign Neglect” which discusses the opinions of relationship expert Michelle Givertz (California State University, Chico) and Hara Estroff Marano (author of A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting). They discuss the fact that… “ It’s more harmful to overparent than underparent.”

Although I don’t see us as “helicopter parents” (and sure most helicopter parents wouldn’t see themselves as such) I think it bears keeping in mind for any parent this thought: “By not letting kids stumble over little things, parents prevent them from developing coping skills… without [these coping skills] kids don’t develop a sense of mastery and self-confidence”

The nub of the article is this: “Practicing benign neglect with your children is like inoculation…stepping back, giving kids the chance to recognize that you’re there for them even when you’re not hitched to their side, that they’re capable of picking themselves up when they fall down-is the only way they’ll internalize the strength of the parental bond and a sense of their own competence.”

There is a difference between "over-management" (i.e, managing details neglected by others) vs. "micro-management" (i.e, managing every step of every process and the minutia in between". 

Game Changer: Transitioning From Working Dad to Stay-Home Dad

When my wife and I became parents we suddenly found decision-making much more simplified. It all came down to what’s best for our baby. I was a workaholic when it occurred to my wife and me that we could afford to do better than a Nanny for our daughter who, at two years old, required much more than love, attention and regular feedings. Our Nanny was wonderful! And for two years, she faithfully and reliably provided everything our daughter needed in our absence.  We soon realized that the mental development of a child was not only astonishing in itself, but also accelerating at rate we never anticipated…far more rapid than the now seemingly slower development of balance and dexterity which we prayed then cheered for. The necessity to incorporate more cognitive exercises into play and “feed” this little learning machine became increasingly important to us and increasingly beyond the ability of her hired care provider. School was not yet an option because we had adopted the “natural course” method of potty training and thus were still changing diapers on outgrown changing tables.  It was clear that since we could comfortably sustain ourselves on just one salary, the ideal scenario would be for one of us to stay home until she was both of school-age and potty trained. The promise of dinners, weekends and holidays together was a no-brainer. The question as to who would stay home with her was answered as quickly as it was conceived. It was a matter of simple economics really... my wife is a surgeon while I was a restaurant consultant and commercial real estate broker in a down market.

There's a scene in the film Cast Away in which Tom Hanks’ character, Chuck, finally builds a raft capable of taking him past the breaking surf that has held him captive on a deserted island for years.  Once Chuck realizes that he has overcome the surf and is in the open water, he rows himself away from his former prison and begins to weep while watching it get smaller and smaller on the horizon.

With over twenty years of experience in the restaurant industry and a successful consulting business taking off, being a stay-at-home dad would be an escape from: long hours, constant drama, exhausting redundancy and hidden stress for what I knew would be a better life. But, like Chuck, I understood how painful it is to leave everything you know (good or bad) and everything you have become behind. 

“DBA: Daddy” represents the paradox and resulting identity crisis with which I am struggling. It reflects my belief that being a stay-at-home-dad demands the honing of every skill-set I previously utilized in my professional pursuits. “DBA: Daddy” is now a way of sharing my transition from “working dad” to “stay-at-home dad” with anyone else who thinks that they too are probably the only guy at Gymboree mentally calculating the franchisee’s Bottom Line based on average class size, hours of operation, number of employees and market rent per square foot.