Good to Great: Moving from East Coast to Midwest

My wife brought home a refrigerator magnet one day that read: ”Life begins where your comfort zone ends.”…and so life is certainly about to "begin".

After a lot of careful consideration, lengthy discussion and exhaustive research we decided to sell our dream home in Pennsylvania and move to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. The plan is to pack up the contents of our house in the next few weeks (making most of the headway while my wife takes Catherine to see her sick Grandpa in Tampa next week) and store everything neatly in the back basement.

We will list the house just in time to hit the tail end of the summer market with hopes that it will be an attractive situation for someone looking to move into the area before the school year starts in September. We will be shipping my wife’s car and drive my Suburban with one week’s worth of supplies in our (just purchased) Thule Atlantis 1800 (Sonic XL) rooftop carrier, along with a 2yr old and a 125lb Newfoundland... should be interesting to say the least. Below is my navigational chart which is an example of how over-thinking and over-planning allays most anxiety for me. It took quite a bit of time to determine the best times to travel, how long to travel and where to stop based on a myriad of variables including everything from nap times to doggy’s potty breaks and anti-anxiety meds (the dog’s). I learned a lot in my 1 week intensive course in trip planning…like the fact that zoo keepers and vets most often move animals under cloak of darkness when possible to avoid additional visual stimulus and potential anxiety / motion sickness…but we also wanted to see most of the trip as well since neither one of us could ever imagine needing or wanting to make a drive like this again.

Although this level of organization may seem like the science of qiyas when equipped with a state-of-the-art navigation system in my truck, I can’t help but think that a 5-day trip with 5 planned stops for a family traveling with a dog and a baby (neither of which have ever traveled in a car for more than a couple of hours) it’s imperative to identify additional potential stops at dog-friendly hotels in advance. We need alternate targets that can serve as half-way markers between stops in the event Catherine or Lulu just aren’t doing well…AND potential stops / hotels just past our scheduled stops in the event we are able to / need to make up time and can comfortably survive going on a little further….so that explains the thought process a little… 

Talent Aquisition: Mommy's Job Offer

As a specialist, my wife receives letters and postcards (sometimes twice a week) from recruiters and health systems all over North America. They never explicitly state which hospital it is specifically but they all guarantee: top salaries, high quality of life, national sports teams, major universities and “…a wonderful place to raise children”.

My wife is working very hard with a practice covering seven hospitals in three states and feels as though her employers’ commitment to her is as not as significant as her commitment to  them. She always says “Your first job is never your last…” So, after 5+ years of interest from Sanford Hospital in South Dakota, we’ve decided to take a look. Although we couldn’t imagine living in South Dakota... we did some research on Sanford Health and decided it was worth the visit. At the very least, it would be an opportunity for my wife to catch up with an old friend and former colleague for whom she has a tremendous amount of respect.

FAST FORWARD 7 WEEKS…  

When we arrived in Sioux Falls South Dakota, we were simply blown away at this hospital’s whisper of a “Talk” and thunderous “Walk”. Thanks to Premier One Bankcard founder Denny Sanford (and his $700MM in gifts so far…), Sioux Valley Hospital has been renamed “Sanford Hospital” (surprisingly) and transformed into a region-shaping health care network with an infrastructure of physicians in leadership and an outreach spanning 126 communities throughout 8 states. They are implementing several initiatives including global children's clinics, multiple research centers and finding a cure for type 1 diabetes and breast cancer. With both domestic and overseas satellites opening at a record-pace, Denny Sanford is creating an unprecedented momentum of ensuring the highest caliber of healthcare both in the Midwest and in 18 countries throughout the world (now developing international clinics in Ireland, Ghana, Israel and Mexico). Organizational growth and development with cutting-edge medicine, sophisticated research and advanced education like this isn’t seen in cities ten times their size.

We arrived the weekend of Sanford Hospital’s Annual Gala ( benefiting the expansion of their cardiac division) and graciously accepted what we believed would simply be an opportunity to meet some folks on the team and have a nice dinner. I’ve been to a lot of these events and they always seem to follow the same syllabus: cocktails followed by a President’s greeting, a few words of promise by the CEO or COO then a video presentation of the good work being done by talented physicians and administration’s plans for the future. Then it’s back to dinner and some dancing afterwards.

The Sanford Healthcare gala we attended not only brought one of the better meals I’ve had this year to our table (a perfect medium rare filet, roasted brussel sprouts and truffled potato gratin), but also tears to my eyes…and handkerchief. Never before have I been so moved by the parents of children whose life-changing stories were shared …or by the teams of dedicated people working orchestrally, from top to bottom, who selflessly make such a monumental difference. But the Sanford story did not end when the lights came back on. This was not a benefit injected with a presentation of “good work being done”. This was simply a spotlight on life at Sanford whose message of “Improving the human condition through exceptional care, innovation and discovery” didn’t end with a video. Improving the lives of children, specifically, didn’t seem like “just a job” people are doing here…it seemed more like a calling. An ingrained way of living life. A belief system that is evident in everything from the conversations between fulfilled guests at every table and the LED-illuminated spinning magic wands handed out on the dance floor (that surely made many a baby-sat children at home delighted in the morning) to the child prodigy pianist who led the orchestra all evening long.

I guess it’s just an overall feeling of genuine commitment to care and to the community of people who provide it…and there doesn’t seem to be a sense of (or pre-occupation with) time clocks, budgets or superfluous layers of administration associated with it. The passion was palpable and contagious. It’s hard to be around people like that and not feel a moral imperative to join them.  It’s hard to be a father and not want an amenity like them for your own child.

Now that some of our preconceived notions regarding the Midwest have been obliterated, we have a lot to talk about on the flight home.

Bottom Line: Committing to Being the Primary Care Giver... and Savoring It

“Researchers have found that those who have made a strong commitment to an identity tend to be happier and healthier than those who have not. Those with a status of identity diffusion tend to feel out of place in the world and don't pursue a sense of identity.”

Kendra Cherry,

Identity Crisis - Theory and Research

Throughout all of this, I have had several moments of clarity…perhaps it would be more accurate to describe the latest as my great epiphany…not my discovery that industrial rolls of HP print paper are cheaper by the foot than the ALEX or Crayola brands that also fit the Potterybarn Kids Craft Table…it is rather my realization that, although I may continue to rely heavily on the skill sets I learned and honed in my previous jobs; I am really missing out on a tremendous amount of joy and closeness with my daughter by selfishly treating the responsibility of being her full-time father like a professional pursuit or project that could be mastered. I am realizing the necessity of committing to my new identity half-way through my year “sabbatical” of being a stay-at-home dad. Although I am grateful for this break-through, I can’t help but think of how short a window you have to assume a completely new identity …and by the time you figure things out, you may just miss it all.  I gave everything I had but confident that I missed-out on a lot in the beginning.  Sometimes I wonder if my learning curve would have been shortened if I had a father (as many women have mothers) to turn to…or any other man, similarly engaged, who was able to share their wisdom derived from a similar experience.  I spoke to my mom yesterday who told me, once again, that “…it goes by in the blink of an eye.” Only this time I understood. My mom continues to comfort me with her ability to commiserate, understand, laugh with, support and encourage me. I will tell her, today, that she is the reason I have so much to give my daughter and motivates me to share this diary in hope that I can shorten the learning curve for at least one other like-minded former working dad.

The following is an edited excerpt taken from: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/identitycrisis.htm

According to Erik Erikson, an identity crisis is a time of intensive analysis and exploration of different ways of looking at oneself… His studies of cultural life among the Yurok of northern California and the Sioux of South Dakota helped formalize Erikson's ideas about identity development and identity crisis.

Erikson described identity as "a subjective sense as well as an observable quality of personal sameness and continuity, paired with some belief in the sameness and continuity of some shared world image. But it was James Marcia (1966, 1976, 1980) who expanded upon Erikson's initial theory. According to Marcia and his colleagues, the balance between identity and confusion lies in making a commitment to an identity. Marcia also developed an interview method to measure identity as well as four different identity statuses. This methods looks at three different areas of functioning: occupational role, beliefs and values and sexuality.

Identity Statuses

Identity achievement occurs when an individual has gone through an exploration of different identities and made a commitment to one.

Moratorium is the status of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities, but has not made a commitment.

Foreclosure status is when a person has made a commitment without attempting identity exploration.

Identity diffusion occurs when there is neither an identity crisis or commitment.

Researchers have found that those who have made a strong commitment to an identity tend to be happier and healthier than those who have not. Those with a status of identity diffusion tend to feel out of place in the world and don't pursue a sense of identity.

In today's rapidly changing world, identity crises are more common today than in Erikson's day. Exploring different aspects of yourself in the different areas of life, including your role at work, within the family, and in romantic relationships, can help strengthen your personal identity.

Due Dilligence: Taking Great Activity Ideas Home

Although I’m a big fan of spending time at the local pet store (AKA: The Free Zoo) and going on “Playground Tour 2012”…There are a lot of other things to do in the area.

This week, one of my best friends Jeff (who is also a professional Daddy) re-introduced me to Longwood Gardens. Like many other places I’ve visited as a childless-man, I was surprised to learn that there was a “children’s section”.

Longwood has an exhibit in the Indoor Children’s Garden “…filled with intricate water features, handcrafted artisan elements and engaging horticultural displays that invite children into an imaginative world all their own.” - www.longwoodgardens.org

Located in the center of these awe inspiring displays is a large stone fountain adorned with hand-carved dragons and surrounded by slate-tiled walls. A collection of buckets and small wooden-handled paintbrushes are made available for children for them to “paint” everything from the fountain itself to the cement floor beneath it…with water as the "paint" that temporarily darkens the surfaces.

As someone with large rocks lining their driveway and approximately 60’ of flagstone along their front walk, I immediately recognized the beauty of this interactive exhibit. The quick-drying “paint” motivates the children to continually create new designs or re-do patterns that have just faded… until you have to drag them away.

Needless to say… I bought 3 cheap paintbrushes at Sherwin Williams yesterday and am looking forward to Catherine’s reaction when I break them out this weekend.

So much easier to steal GREAT ideas from someone else than to think of them yourself. Whenever I’m at a loss for fun things to do, I guess I just need to get out with the openness to re-discover places and things I thought I knew.

Reminds me of the classic cure for “writer's block”.

Go-To-Market Strategy: Finding Teaching Oppotunities Everywhere

No longer is the free cookie at the bakery department our motivation for getting to the market. I’ve really learned that taking your time in an isle may be time consuming but very fun and rewarding if you have the time to begin with….I realize that not everyone can spend two hours at Wegman’s but after growing tired of the stress induced by rushing through the market in an effort to  beat the meltdown clock with a tired and bored little girl who wants to walk, then be carried then be placed in the cart…I decided to view the supermarket as a classroom and as a playground.  It makes for a much less stressful errand… and I no longer get those apathetic looks of annoyance from the masses of fellow shoppers I used to stop just short of smashing into with every turn or acceleration of my cart.

Bringing a shopping list and hunting for items at the grocery store with Catherine has proved not only to be fun but also serve as practical Montessorial exercises in reading, conceptual math and coordination.

Now, we not only look for the specific items we write on the list, but also the appropriate size and weight…which we translate to “units” thanks to our good friends: Team Umizoomi.

Today, I had Catherine sit in the cart while I placed a 1lb bag of rice in her lap. I told her it was 1lb or 1 “unit”. Then I replaced it with a 10lb bag of rice. I plopped it right in her lap while announcing that “This one is 10 units!”.  I asked her to describe what the bags felt like and which one felt heavier. I then began asking her over and over again to make sure and repeated this exercise until she couldn’t stop laughing. The take away here: Bags of rice are “squishy” and 10 units is heavier than 1 unit….and half of the people shopping at the market today probably think I smoke pot.

The Long Tail: Sacrificing Career For Family

"I don't know any other father that does what you do."

 –My Mom

Shortly after the birth of our daughter my mother was utterly amazed that I cut the cord. When she (and most women of her generation) gave birth, men were not even permitted in the delivery room. Fathers-to-be paced the halls outside the waiting room until it was time to dole out cigars.

More and more women are sacrificing their social lives during their 20s and early 30s to continue their education and/or professional experience in lieu of settling down for a life like their mothers'. Today's ambitious women seem to be faced with a choice between the promise of a happy connected family or a powerful rewarding career. Positions of prestige once exclusive to young men who identify themselves and their worth by accomplishment and acquisition alone, are now within a woman’s reach as well...and the diving lines between the sexes are fading faster than a photo of Marty McFly before the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance.

Age-old gender roles, first popularized by our ancestral hunter-gatherers, are evolving.  It is the Indian Summer of a modern era in which women not only bring unique skill-sets to the table but often higher EQs as well. With an aptitude for complex problem solving and technical ability equal to that of a man's; woman are collectively extending their reach for the golden rungs. The result? An increasing number of women today (40%) are earning larger salaries than their male counterparts and are more commonly finding their way into executive leadership roles.

Anne Marie Slaughter is a professor of Politics and International Affairs at Princeton University and formerly the Dean of the Woodrow Wilson School. She also served as Director of Policy & Planning for the State Department. I had never heard of her until coming across a piece she wrote in The Atlantic entitled: “Why Women Still Can’t Have it All”. The July/August issue of Princeton Alumni Weekly Magazine (AKA: PAW) featured her follow-up perspective which discusses the responses she received from fellow Princetonians entitled: ”You Can’t Have it All” Although the subject matter is regarding working women, a lot of it translates directly to stay-at-home dads whose life-altering decisions to be with their children is (contrary to what I’ve been reading) similarly dismissed both socially and professionally as  a sign of weakness and lack of ambition.

The following excerpts are my favorites:

“…I have been consistently congratulated for making career choices that reflect great ambition, but often come at the expense of personal relationships…On the occasions that I do reveal the most important motivation behind my move, I am often met with subtle but noticeable eye rolls or worse, patronizing lectures…No more do I want to be unemployed than do I want to be the power woman who goes home after work to eat moo shu pork alone in her apartment. Why then should I be proud of investing in one goal, and be embarrassed of investing in the other?...Princeton taught me well how to succeed and how to value professional ambition. But after the cutthroat Ivy League environment, I am trying to teach myself to value relationships. Ironically, the only way I can do this is by looking at my relationships as a professional goal, the only thing I know how to attain.”   -Cale Salih ‘10

“Few things rival the deep satisfaction of having a profession that you love and have mastered. But one of those few things is the joy of deep connection to those we love...so why should we look [only] to the professional as the principle yardstick of prestige?”    -Nannerl Keohane: Former President of Duke and Wellesley

“As a society, as a university, we say we value family. But when women (or  men) choose family over professional promotion, they very often are devalued…I certainly am not suggesting that we should devalue professional ambition. But people must have the option of pursuing a different but equally respected path where we see them as peers who are investing equally…”      -Anne-Marie Slaughter ‘80