Non-Disclosure: Learning When to Keep My Mouth Shut

I made my wife cry last night.

I told her something I should’ve kept to myself. Which is one of the re-curing mistakes I make but when you marry your best friend and lover…you sometimes forget she’s not that much like you.

Before I dropped Catherine off at school today, she sweetly asked me if I would buy her some new mittens. I replied: “Of course sweetheart! What color would you like?” “Purple” she replied. I suggested that we could go to a store filled with hats, coats and gloves to see if we could find a pair of purple mittens. She whispered “Thank you Daddy” into my ear and then kissed me on the nose.

​When I picked her up seven hours later, it finally occurred to me that she was asking me for new mittens because I had been sending her to school (and a 1hr outdoor recess) for the last three days without any gloves or mittens in 30 degree weather. My heart was split open with guilt, sadness and sorrow.

Gotta work on that jalopy of a filter I have...

Development: She's Finally O.K. Alone with Daddy

"Bye Bye Mommy" started out as a sad cry upon my wife’s departure for work every morning but has now finally evolved, for both my daughter and me, into a sincere farewell based on an elevated comfort-level with Daddy being here.

“Bye Bye Mommy!!! Have a good day!” Catherine says several times at the garage door. Then she'll blow a bunch kisses and excitedly call: “Catch it Mommy!” after each one.

Our cheerful and heartfelt goodbyes now serve as my daily reminder that we’re going to be o.k.

"Bye Bye Mommy!" is beginning to sound more and more like a prophetic mantra of the American family whose structure is undergoing a gradual tectonic shift.    

Critical Mass: Dad's Breaking Point

This is my Hell Week.

My wife has been on-call more nights than not and my load has doubled overnight.

I sometimes wonder if what has become a painfully monotonous routine for me, is actually a healthy and stable environment for a two year old….and then I realize that a daddy whose brain is turning into tapioca can’t be healthy for anyone. 

I read somewhere that the human mind craves complex problem solving and if it’s one thing I feel more than anything, it’s the absence of that.

My greatest challenges this week are:

1.)Fighting the feelings of guilt associated with loving my daughter more than anything in the world but simply seeking an end to the adorable but non-stop chatter that often prevents me from being able to form a complete thought and on the occasion I do...actually get it out.

2.) Developing a comfort-level with abandoning any and all game plans at any given moment and completely changing direction on a dime. 

3.) Taking our debilitated dog out to go to the bathroom in the backyard with a little girl. I’ve tried allowing her to stay inside on a couple of occasions when she didn’t want to go outside with me but, to be honest, I just can’t take knowing that something bad could happen to her and I’d never hear it.  When she DOES come outside with me, she demands constant attention and the look of complete heartbreak rises up in her when I don’t rush to collect the leaves... or dandelions... or whatever she’s found and lovingly offered to me as a present.

It's not so easy to quell my inner riot when I'm trying to get a dog which is mirroring my energy and lacking full use of it’s hind legs, to relax long enough in order to generate a solid bowel movement...  and at the same time, mentally prepare for the possibility of having to give our 120lb long-haired dog a bath in the event her shit gets all over her fur…as it usually does when she has diarrhea as a result of stress. That's an intimate moment neither of us enjoys. 

4.) Taking a shower. Frequently, when I’m in the shower, I suffer a level of anxiety that seems just a bit north of rational. I’m paranoid that something horrible is going to happen and I’m not going to hear it. I imagine my daughter bleeding out or not being able to breathe as a result of some accident that has just occurred close-by without my even knowing. Sometimes I think I hear a thud or her crying out and I’ll back away from the showerhead ...or worse, run out of the shower (as I have done on several occasions) only to find her quietly playing with her i pad... safe and sound) It’s kinda like being so sure you hear your cell phone ringing….so you stop for a second… and listen… intently… and then realize it never did. Well…I guess it’s like that... times 1000.